Happy Valentine’s Day

Another year and another day full of love induced badness. I myself am alone. AGAIN. It’s not so much that I want to be in a relationship I think it’s just coz I feel a little left out of it all. So I just generally feel alone.

That and it’s way to commercialised. Jeez. I spent all of £0 this year but I sent about 6 Valentine’s emails full of love. And they say about as much as some cruddy card does. I am probably being more environmentally friendly as well. I bet Al Gore sent a Valentine’s card to someone (I dunno…did he?) and he’s like destroying the planet with that single card. HA! I have proved myself to be far superior by being English and using emails.

Sorry, bit of bigotry there.
Better end this blog now. Before I get myself virtually shot.

My first gig!

Went to see 30 Seconds To Mars last night. Alexski’s review: Bloody amazing. Ok I have no other gigs to compare it to but still. It was a amazing night. I want to see them again – I want to relive the night because I know so many ways to make it better for myself.
The band just hooked the crowds in so well with their revolutionary messages! I left thinking:

“Tomorrow I am going to follow my dreams.”

Sadly that’s not happening because I am sitting here attempting to do my history coursework that’s just not flowing out of me because I can’t evaluate and analyse things very well. Apparently it’s a typical woman’s mind but still….bloody hard.

Random Peotry-ness

I was sitting listening to 30 Seconds To Mars and all of a sudden these words start coming into my head. I felt I should write them down before I lose them.

I’m lying here, listening to this song.
It’s telling me to sleep, not to look back,
But my mind is thinking of you and all these things I said.
This tainted regret is climbing out my eyes and the song is getting angry now.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
It’s ok to tell me to shut up now, tell me to be quiet.
The song is still singing, telling me to sleep and not to look back.
I close my eyes and lose myself in this dream only to wake tomorrow.
“Don’t try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone.”

THE SCHOOL OF HORROR!

Our drama teacher, cool man – bit annoying but I’ve met far worse, kept staring at me.  I am trying to act like a baby like the bloody script we were reading said (hard to explain – our characters ages change a lot) and he kept looking at me.

Me being me I looked back and held eye contact just to see how long he’d hold it for. But he didn’t move. It was like only 2 seconds but it was 2 seconds too long. And it happened several times.

I’m scared. Does he like women giggling like a baby or something?
D:
I’m scared. Emotionally buggered and….stuff.

Oh and our history teacher slammed a unslammable door. Which worries me ever so slightly  because he feels no anger and yet he slammed a unslammable door.

Shows how fantastic our school is.
Yes I am bored.
Meant to be doing ethics work on Kant and this sounds more like a myspace bulletin.
But I haven’t updated this in ages.
LOL.

;D

I don’t know what I am trying to say…

I’m not sure what I am saying here. Maybe it will make no sense to people – most people. I’m just rambling and writing this because I have no one to say it to and I am in one of those moods where I want to witter deeply about my life.

Life is so interesting. For good or for bad it does indeed spring up a lot of things that take me by surprise in my young years. So many events and I’m not sure what to make of them.

I feel really bad. I feel as if I’ve done something really bad. And I’m scared. It’s not a major thing – I didn’t rob a bank or shoot a man. In fact it was a tiny ounce of feeling and now I feel so scared. I’m scared of what that means. Should I be scared? Am I allowed to be scared?

Maybe I’ve gone too far. Swam too deep and now I’m starting to drown – kinda. I didn’t listen to the thing in my head and I laughed it off and carried on swimming thinking “I’ll be fine.” but now it’s not so fine. Not for me.

I’m 17. I’m a girl. Anything can be blown out of proportion. I am probably worrying about losing something that I’m not going to lose. But the fact I am scared of losing it makes me more scared. Am I allowed to be scared of that?

Maybe I’ve learnt a valuble lesson.
I’ll go back. I’ll swim back towards that surface and while I’ll always remember what I saw I’ll make sure I don’t do it again. I won’t get so close to the sea bed. I won’t reach out in hopes I can be good friends with it anymore. Because that’s bad.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

You need a lesson to understand the world…

At least in the eyes our our general studies teacher you do. It’s as if we can’t pick up our own paper and read it and be aware. Oh no. You need to have a lesson on the topic of the world and it’s politics and you need to pass an exam in it because if you do you’ll get to uni.

Bullshit.

General Studies is not accepted by universities as a A level nor by employers. And yet our teacher is adamant that it is vitally important for us. It wouldn’t be so annoying if she just accepted the fact that it wasn’t but she just won’t. She lives in the belief that her subject is, by far, the hardest and most important A level out there.
Haha No.
It isn’t.
Really.

Maybe she is just trying to have belief in her subject – she pretends to care about it but really she doesn’t. But I doubt this. I’ve seen techer’s who really do teach a important subject turn around and moan and groan about it sometimes. But this woman just doesn’t moan about general studies….at all. She’s either a alien…or insane.

I think both accounts are true.

So If I don’t get into that university place…

I’ve decided that I am either going to do one of these things:
1. Join a theatre company. Make my personal statement look better for next year.
2. Work really hard. But get a job in something I find slightly interesting. Not Primark.
3. Write a novel. Idea inspired by Murakami.
4. Go to Canada…I really want to go to Canada.
5. I had another idea….but I can’t remember what it was D:

So yeh. I was planning to go this September (‘08) but things have happened and it looks very unlikely – anxiety attacks, sheer laziness, UCAS won’t let me log in – and so I have a year to do bugger all.

I intend to do something I enjoy. But not lie around. Maybe I can film something or just go live in the country for a few months. I don’t know but I intend to do something that is benefical for me in the logn run. I mean I’m not going to have a chance to have  fun again probably. So whatever I am going to do, it’ll be something fun.

And I end this post with a bit of T.S. Elliot:

“Between the idea and the reality,
between the motion and the act,
falls the shadow.”

What if Adam && Eve never ate that damned apple…

Would that mean that I wouldn’t be in pain right now? Like I would be rolling over clutching my stomach  going “Uuuughhhh.” and feeling very very warm right now.

If only Adam && Eve didn’t listen to the bloody snake! I mean…why does the rest of humanity have to suffer for their sins when some black guy came along and died for them anyway?

IT MAKES NO SENSE!
(And yes, if Jesus did live around Jerusalem then he would have been black…or at least tanned.)

Mr. And Mrs I-am-going-to-ignore-God eat a apple and create original sin. Then God’s son comes along, proclaims he will die for our sins and here I am still suffering the intolerable wrath of the menstrual cycle.

Thank you religion. You only make me angrier.

Would my pain be worse if Jesus never appeared…?

I’m One Step Closer To The Edge…

For the past 8 months of my life I’ve been battling with anxiety attacks. And you’re probably all thinking “Oh that’s not bad.” Well it isn’t to be frank, not as bad as some things. But the random waves of nausea I get when having a attack have developed into something else.

I have a terrible fear of being sick. Vomiting. There will be days when I am so scared I’ll stop eating for fear I’ll throw it back up, I won’t drink, I’m afraid to go to bed in case I wake up and be ill and I am afraid to get up in the mornings. I’m kinda in a void. I think of it as a ‘grey area’ – I don’t want to die but at the same time I am terrified of being alive. I’m stuck in some half way house where I’m not happy with anything at all about my own existence because it all seems fairly grim from where I am standing. I simply have no passion to do anything but sit in this void, this grey area and await whatever fate has for me.
Now this will probably be a self-induced rant. I’m sorry. But I kinda need to clear my head of things and I feel writing it all down will somehow clarify things to myself.

I’m not as bad as I used to be in a conscious sense.  Consciously I am battling my fear, looking for inspiration from people I know and in people I admire. But sub-consciously, well…I don’t think it’s going so well.

People used to get annoyed at me for being this way. They’d tell me it’s stupid and to make my fear go away all I need to do is stop thinking about it. Well the problem is I can’t. My mind is constantly racing, thinking, deliberating and making up scenario’s in which all consequences are illness – all options are to be ill. There is no healthy option.

And over the past few weeks I’ve been thinking, “I feel better. I’m laughing again and I am doing things again.” I’ve been offered counselling and I was starting to wonder if I really needed it. I felt so much better.

The problem is I don’t think I am. There was a news report on TV today about a stomach bug going round. Usually I’d burst into a panic. But I didn’t. I sat and I watched it and I bared it. It was later that I developed a stomach ache and felt ill. And later when my parents moaned at me that the panic set in. I started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. This bug was going to get me and I was going to be ill and for me that’s terrifying.

And it’s then I realized, Have I done the one thing you’re not meant to do with mental illness?

That one thing is pretend it’s not there. My friend had counselling a while ago for a problem and she was told never to hide it in, if you feel sad then feel sad but don’t put on a facade for everyone. You need to deal with your problem – not hide it.

I’m starting to wonder if I’ve done that. Rather then deal with my fear I’ve pretended it never existed. I pushed it as far in as I could and smiled for everyone. And so when I get too stressed or too tired it leaks out slowly. If I am told off or moaned at I get stroppy, I then start to feel ill and the panic and the fear return and I refuse to eat for days and then I feel worse which discourages me to eat yet again.

I thought I was getting stronger. Fighting it. But I’m not. I’m shutting my eyes and singing to myself – to be frank. You know the whole “LALALALALALA I’m not listening to you.” And it’s starting to show itself in different ways.

I can’t even control it anymore. It’s not on my level of consciousness. It’s almost become its own being inside of me. This fear.

And while I am writing this I’m starting to think – My god I really need this counselling.

OMGZ THT IS NOT TEH RITE PRYCE!!1!!11

So I am at work yeah, the sales are in and everyone is buying Christmas decorations and crappy clothes that are now 50p and other such items that have a short lifespan.

So I am scanning away at these fake pine things for this one moody lady and all of a sudden she says “Oh those decorations are meant to be 1 pound aren’t they?” (They scanned as 2). I look on the back and saw that it had been reduced from 5 pound. So immediently I thought ‘My god…it’s already been reduced and this woman is moaning about the price?‘ It was a pretty big decoration really and come on, when does Primark reduce prices, seriously?
So I turn around to this woman and say “Well it’s scanned as 2 pound and it’s already been reduced.”
And she stares at me as if this  is all MY fault. I mean what? I don’t make up these prices and I’m no barcode either. All I do is scan and take their goddamn money.

So she leaves, thank god, without much of a fuss accepting the fact that it’s not the price she wanted.

But then later, as my till is being checked, another women turns up to my friends till. Buys some boots and something else costing 2 pound. Can’t remember what it was. So she pays with a 20 pound note and my pal gives her her change and she’s like “I gave you a 20 pound note…”
At this point I feel like clapping. Well done. I am glad she knows what note she gave.
“Where is my change?” She then adds.
“That’s it.” My pal replies. “It came to 17 pound.”

As expected there is now a flurry of hands looking for the recipt. The woman, confused as to why she has not been given more change and my friend looking out for his own back. The boots cost 15 pounds and the other thing she bought cost 2.

“Oh but those boots are meant to be 6.” She points out a scribble on the label. At this point my friend turns to me and says:
“Can you read what that says?” Points the scribble to  me.
“No. It’s just a mess.”

The woman insists the boots were 6 pounds. Mike, the supervisor doing my till, looks up, sees the scribble – obviously annoyed he says: “Well you’ll have to go to customer services for a refund as these tills don’t do them.”

Our tills cannot physically do refunds. They are not programmed to do such things. But this woman looks at Matt and Mike disgusted, makes a noise which sound like a laugh and a annoyed gasp and walks off.

I mean come on! It’s not our fault that prices screw up on the tills. It annoys me when people look at us as if it is our fault. They are so ignorant D:<
I want to slap them!